I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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