i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
