On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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