there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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