You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
