i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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