well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
