I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
