Your face is a jimmy john
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
