Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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