last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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