I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish you could order shots online.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
