oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
