I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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