rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
