I think I won the penis lottery.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
