Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
