I CAN MOONWALK!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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