Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
