I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
