I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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