If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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