I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
