First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
