I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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