i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
