Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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