just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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