I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
