We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
