If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
