remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
