I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
