: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
