I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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