I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
