Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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