You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
