Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
