I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
