that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
