Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
