You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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