It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
