apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
