WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
