Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
