I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
