My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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