My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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