My underwear smells like fireworks.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
