Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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