Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My friends, they love my intelligence
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We are all done wearing pants today
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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