My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
