I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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