there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
