he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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