What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
