you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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