So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
