Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
