Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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