she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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