so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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